Is there something in the water?

Here's a little story for you. Chris and I have been friends for years. He's the nerdy guy who came into his own during college. He was extremely involved with school politics, fraternity shenanigans and secret societies. He's one of my closest friends and for the longest time, he was very much smitten with me. I was aware of this scenario but had for longest time told him that we were strictly platonic. Well he finally got the hint and things became really good between us. We had the kind of relationship that we could tell each other anything. Then (dun dun dun), I started to fall for him. So f*cking cliche. I mean, come on! The kid was in the same fraternity of my boyfriend of three years. We shared sticky hook up stories, embarrassing drunken moments, and horribly bad judgment calls. We weren't supposed to cross that line. We know almost everything about each other.

Well, I tried to keep it under wraps until I moved home but it a state of not so sober emotional vulnerability, I told him how I felt. I cried a little, poured my heart out into a little pathetic puddle on the floor and pretty much fell apart. Then I kissed him. Yes, folks... I followed the Hollywood movie script and on cue kissed my best friend. Go me! Well after some adolescent making out and heavy petting, I moved back to California. Oh I didn't mention that I told him two days before leaving? Silly me.

Chris came to visit this weekend while my mom is out of town ( it's really sad that I'm 25 years old and have to wait for her to be out of town to be and 'adult') and needless to say I've been "friend zoned." Now, it's exactly as it sounds. He has moved me from the romantic sphere of existence to one of the guys, best good buddy section. So now the tables have been turned and I'm not sure how I feel about it. Do I really have feelings for him that would lead to more or is it just a case of fear of losing one's best friend gone rogue? When I'm with him those feelings feel very much like a cluster of winged insects but on the other hand, I'm not completely useless when he's gone. The people in my life who know about this little situation are not surprised in the least. But what really gets me is that those feelings are gone for him. For fear of sounding conceded, I didn't think those emotions just went away. The rejection of the whole thing has left a funny taste in my mouth but I'm not completely devastated by it either. Shit, does that make me shallow?

So here I am, vacillating between feelings of a romantic nature, needing the emotional support, rejection, searching for normalcy and general confusion towards one of the most important people in my life. And of course the one person that I usually go to when in need of an outside opinion, is no longer on the outside.